Horoscopes. Some people love them, some people put no stock into them. Sometimes, though, they are scary accurate. So there has to be some truth to the traits applied to us all based on our zodiac sign, right? Eh, maybe. Sometimes those descriptions are just a bit too sugar-coated…Cancers are the best cooks! Libras are the best lovers! Leos will perform the best in a marathon! And blah, blah, blah. What if horoscopes told us the downright truth? Well, if your horoscopes were like a blunt, bitchy friend, this is what they would have to say. Only continue if you can handle the truth. You’ve been warned.
Aries, you’re like children with ADD who have just sucked down a smoothie made of Skittles and pure cane sugar. You accomplish many half-assed things with your ridiculous amount of energy, starting one task and quickly becoming bored with it before wanting to move onto the next. Aries make for the types of friends that quickly drain a person of their own energy, and are the leading cause of caffeine addiction amongst those who hang out with them. Your independent streak, while cute at first, results in child-like tantrums over who drank your last beer. Also, if you have yet to notice, your zodiac symbol represents an IUD.
Just like a bull, you are one hot headed and stubborn individual who’s not afraid to give anyone the horns. You probably laughed the last time someone mentioned the words “In my opinion.” You’re dedicated to your favorite person in life- yourself! Your way is the best way and you pity the people who can’t see it that way. People who try to give you advice or suggest trying something a different way had best stand down. You’re happiest when the whip’s in your hand and you’re cracking it at the feet of people and making them dance! The world is full of minions just waiting to be taught your ways.
Gemini can often be found texting, talking on the phone, emailing, and having a face-to-face conversation all at the same time. Talking is one of a Gemini’s favorite pastimes, dubbing them the Chatty Cathies of the zodiac gang. Gemini know how to talk to everyone, acting as both a parrot and a fantastic storyteller. Politicians love a good Gemini on their team, seeing as they can twist a media nightmare into a Sunday morning morality story.
Cancer, you’re an emotional wreck, pull it together! Everything you do is emotionally driven – from that speech you deliver at a coworker’s wedding to the slashed tires on your ex’s car. Cancerians aren’t afraid to knock down those who stand in their way (hello, Macbeth) and have the tendency to make other people feel like family in order to get what they want. Nothing says family quite like manipulation and backhanded compliments!
Leos, you hate to share, whether it be your feelings, your goodwill, or your food. This delightful sign GNF, acknowledging others’ input with a mere eye roll. Much like the Grinch, it takes you a long time to feel your heart grow through compassion towards others. You prefer to spend your time with likeminded people, creating a gray cloud of karma about yourselves. Like a gambler on an unlucky streak, you tend to waste your time and energy on people who often end up being “crapshoots.”
Oh Virgos, you sweet and innocent little doormats. You’re always willing to lend a hand, which means you are constantly going to be walked all over. You dread the limelight and are far too often letting people take credit for your good work. Most days, you would rather go for a colonoscopy than be forced to accept a compliment. Stop kissing the butts of others, and know it’s ok to admit when you’ve done something well.
If you’re looking for a know-it-all, look no further than a Libra, the goody-two-shoes of the zodiac. You sirens of productivity know how to charm even the laziest of people into doing what needs to be done. Libras are the moms of a friend group, reminding everyone what’s wrong and what’s right even when they don’t ask. That being said, you are the biggest pushovers one will come across when it comes to a dispute. Ever afraid to hurt someone else’s feelings, you’ll rarely stick up for yourself.
Behold the most famous grudge-holder in all the land: Scorpio! There is no “forgive and forget” with a Scorpio. You will never forget, and you will never forgive. I’m talking make-a-hate-speech-at-your-enemy’s-funeral-to-send-them-off-with-bad-juju type grudge. Scorpios need to get past the whole jealousy and possessiveness thing they’ve got going on – trust me, I’ll tell you right now it’s a waste of time and energy. That being said, Scorpios are emotionally sound fortresses – nothing is going to break those steely hearts.
Sagittarians are all over the map and practically incapable of making decisions. You don’t like to be tied down and are constantly finding reasons as to why something might not be right for you. It’s like you’re one of Peter Pan’s lost boys and aren’t ready to grow some roots. Hey, this is fine, roots aren’t for everyone, but some stability is needed. But what is it you’re running from, Sag? Let me guess. You have no idea because you’re not ever willing to stop and think about it. Slow your roll, Kemosabe.
Capricorn (12/22- 1/19)
Capricorns are straight up loud and obnoxious people (disclaimer: I can say this because I am one and this is a satire piece so if anyone has actually taken offense to this, they need to simmer down). They set lots of goals for themselves and often meet them just to want to move onto bigger and better things, meaning they are incredibly hard to satisfy. Capricorns are incredibly confusing people because they like structure, but hate when anyone tells them what to do.
Aquarians are all about what’s right and what’s wrong – as long as it applies to their own guidelines. They are set in their ways and are the last people you want to talk to when it comes to anything having to do with politics, religion, and any other topic that is left to personal belief and opinion – you will be WRONG. They’re also fast to jump on a bandwagon if it smells remotely like something they’re into. The word “compromise” has never been added to their vocabulary.
You folks are emotional chameleons. Your ability to adapt to any type of situation, while admirable, is also a bit creepy. Rather than show your own true colors, you’re most at ease taking on those of other people, often talking like those closest to you. Your biggest downfall is that you too often need to be the victim, and are often guilty of taking the spotlight from the real victims. You know that SNL skit where Kristin Wiig is Penelope, the one-upper? That’s you. If your friend has a cold, you have walking pneumonia. If your neighbor tells you their boss is tough, yours suddenly becomes worse than that guy from Hell’s Kitchen. WE GET IT. Your sob story is worse than ours, GOOD LORD.
Well, I warned you, you had to be able to handle it. Now that you’ve been told how it really is, I want you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, put on a nice color of lipstick, and go get yourself a nice drink. Go read a normal horoscope that praises you up and down, and you’ll forget all about this little excursion from the norm. May those stars be ever in your favor!