I am not going to waste your time complaining about the price of a coffee from Starbucks or wax on about the ridiculous language of Starbucks’ sizes and ordering. If you like what Starbucks has to offer, you turn a blind eye to those idiosyncrasies the same way you turn a blind eye to the fact your boyfriend throws his head back like a baby bird when he swallows vitamins and pills (my fiance does this every single time despite scientific evidence that it can actually make it harder to swallow certain things. i don’t get it.). If those things bother you that much, there is a simple solution: don’t go to Starbucks (or break up with your boyfriend).
What I am here to do say is that I have a love/hate relationship with Starbucks that goes much deeper than language and pricing. I hate to love my Starbucks addiction and love to hate it. It’s the kind of tumultuous relationship that makes for crappy soap opera storylines and romance novel fodder. Why can there never be a happy medium for me and Starbucks you ask? Here are the five reasons why…
5. Starbucks can’t even get my name right. I give Starbucks my love and my money, but it’s still not enough to get my name correct when it comes time to scrawl it on that white paper cup. No matter how loud I try to speak or how well I enunciate, a good portion of the time I wind up standing there like a fool while they call out a name that isn’t mine to tell me my order is ready. Even when they do get it “right”, it’s usually spelled wrong… and my name isn’t very complicated.
4. Starbucks tempts me to buy a cup of coffee larger than any one person should consume in a sitting every time resulting in the roller coaster rush and crash that is the caffeine high. How do the tempt me? By making the venti (gigantic cup of coffee) cost only twenty cents more than the grande (medium sized coffee). Why buy a grande when you can get a venti for only twenty sorts more my brain screams at me every time I try to order conservatively. Before you go saying then it’s your brain’s fault not Starbucks, I would like to contend that Starbucks knows our brains will have this reaction and that they came up with this plan while wringing their hands and giggly devilishly in a dark room filled with delicious coffee beans.
3. Starbucks has a keen way of making me feel unwanted. Obviously they are okay with the people who have set up a virtual apartment at each of their tables for the entire day with more wires and plugs than my entire office taking up tables. Then there are those long tables that force unwanted social interaction when there are actually seats available, but usually they are taken up by a group of some sort discussing things you don’t want to hear about, loudly. Sometimes you do find a seat, and then “regulars” come in and side-eye you till you finish your coffee and vacate “their” seat. Where is the casual coffee drinker supposed to sit?
2. After the last comment you’re probably ready to call me anti-social anyway so I’ll throw this out there, it freaks me out when the baristas try to chat it up with me like we’re old friends. I know they’re just doing what Starbucks tells them, but the overly familiar friendless really bothers me. It especially bothers me when they’re doing the whole we’re old chums thing with the person in front of me in line for ten minutes instead of taking my order. I am not a patient person.
1. Starbucks keeps me from what I love the most a good portion of the year, only to tease me with it for a few months, and take it away again. If you’re a true addict like me, you already know what I’m talking about without having to say those three magical words: pumpkin spice latte. Why do you do this to me Starbucks? Do you have no concept of the joy I feel when the “Pumpkin is Back” signs go up and the misery I feel the first time I try to order one and am told the season is over? It’s just cruel.