Robb Stark in River Run for his grandfather’s funeral but the cremation upon water ceremony doesn’t go quite as planned, which is pretty funny. Equally if not more humorous is the game of musical power chairs with Tywin, Cersei, Tyrion, Lord Baelish, the eunuch, and the alchemist. Baelish is promised a hand in marriage to a royal woman by Tywin leaving Tyrion master of coin for the crown, which is a title he does not wish to have.
Jaime Lannister and Brienne are tied together being transported by friends of the Stark’s when Brienne begins taunting Jaime about his lackluster swordsmanship. He, of course, swears it is due to his time of imprisonment that has made him a lesser competitor – she doesn’t buy it.
Arya and the boys are still at the village – the fat kid decides to stay and bake bread for a living at the inn in the village while Arya and the older kid leave with the group leader. Catelyn Stark’s uncle is back with the family and advising both mother and son about war strategy. He seems like he will become quite the asset to them as their other leaders seem inexperienced and/or lacking in good judgment.
Out in the great white abyss, Jon Snow and his wilding friends come across a creepy work of “art” where multiple horses have been butchered and laid out in a spiral. After finding this death art the leader of the wilding’s decides it is time to attack Castle Black.
The Night’s Watch makes it out of the snow and back to the Northern villages and end up staying with that Mormonesque dude who has a crap load of wives all bearing children. Samwell is razzed by the patriarch during their meal while a woman gives birth screaming in a shanty nearby. It is the girl the Samwell had been taken when they stopped there on their way north last season – she has a baby boy. If you recall, the father kills baby boys because they are rivals. I imagine our softy Samwell will save that baby somehow.
Theon Greyjoy is released by a prison mole and takes off to meet with his sister. On his way there the guard of his captors catches him and intend to rape him until a mysteriously skilled bowman kills them all. Stannis and his witch lady have a disagreement when she tries to leave for inexplicable reasons and he proclaims his desire for her and wants to procreate another evil shadow thing. She says his fires run low but they could do it another way she could sleep with his blood relatives instead. Ewwww…
Khaleesi is still in the land of the slave soldiers (Astapor) – the two counselors (Sir Friendzone and Sir Baristen) disagree on whether she should buy her army or not. She decides she wants all he has including those he is currently training. The foul-mouthed leader of Astapor doesn’t believe she has the wealth to buy them all and continually insults her as his translator diplomatically explains his doubts. Nonetheless, Khaleesi is determined and agrees to give him one of her dragons, the Dothraki, and her ship for 8,000 soldiers and his translator. Her advisors openly disagree with her during the bargaining and she reminds them of their place in the food chain. I think Khaleesi knows that the dragon won’t stay with this guy long, I imagine the dragon will always find its way back to his mother.
Baelish hands over the kingdom’s books to the new master of coin, Tyrion. When Tyrion goes through the books he quickly learns that the crown owes millions to Tywin and ten of millions to the bank of Iron Brothers. Tyrion’s scribe, Podrick, is rewarded for killing Tyrion’s would be killer during the battle with an afternoon of whores at his beck and call but by the end of the day they wouldn’t take his money. Tyrion says, “you mean that these women liked what you did with them so much they wouldn’t take the gold coin? Sit down, Podrick. [Poors him wine] I need details, lots and lots of detail.” Hilarious!
The group of men who took the king slayer, Jaime, decide it is time to rape Brienne but Jaime convinces the leader not to do it because he tells them she is the daughter of a man who possesses many sapphires and would pay her weight in jewels for her return but only if her honor was in tact. The leader seems to take the bait when he instructs his men to bring her back and re-chain her to a tree. Jaime also tries to convince the man his father would pay for him as well. This guy pretends to be interested in such a deal, so Jaime pushes it farther and asks for him to be released from the tree he chained to so he may sleep on the ground. The man then tricks him into thinking they’ll feed him then his men slam him down on the table so he can teach Jaime a lesson that his daddy and his wealth will not get him out this trouble. Then whamo he cuts Jaime’s hand off. Damn!!!!! I guess he won’t be a fancy swordsman ever again.
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