Arya and Joffrey’s dog are together and Arya is sure he is going to hurt her until he reveals his reason for snatching her; he plans to take her back to her mom and brother for a fee. So their journey begins to the Frey house wedding.
Khaleesi and her advisors meet with the Captains of the Second Sons (mercenaries) whose leader is the most disgusting sex hungry pig in the realm. They agree to think upon her proposal to join forces. Upon exit, Khaleesi and the young Second Son lieutenant exchange a look. Ooh la la. In private, the captains decide to kill Khaleesi while her unsullied sleep; the young one draws the fateful chip.
Back at the Baratheon’s castle the red witch brought the descendent of Robert back with her for purposes of sacrifice but he doesn’t know it yet. Davos and Stannis speak about the plan, Davos counsels Stannis not to kill his bastard nephew. They disagree but Stannis offers to free Davos from prison if he promises not to raise a hand to the red witch again and Davos agrees.
Sansa and Tyrion have a moment alone before their wedding and Tyrion becomes tongue-tied trying to explain to Sansa that he doesn’t want this marriage but he also doesn’t want her to feel like a prisoner. Through the babbling Tyrion finally communicates that no matter what happens he promises to never hurt Sansa then convinces her this is a day to drink wine. Margaery and Cersei speak in court before the wedding where Margaery tries to get closer to Joffrey’s mother by calling her “sister.” This does not go over well with Cersei so she tells Margaery a story of Lannister’s slaughtering a family then says, “if you call me sister again, I’ll have you strangled in your sleep.” Meow! Joffrey escorts Sansa to her groom then removes the step stool that Tyrion normally uses to perform simple things like cloaking his bride. That bastard, Joffrey. Spectators giggled as he struggles but Tywin glares at them to shut it. Eventually Tyrion asks Sansa to kneel down so he can give her his cloak.
The red witch charms the Baratheon bastard by commiserating about being poor then offers him a glass of quality wine. She quickly begins to disrobe him in the name of the Lord of Light so she may birth power into the world. They get it on in a sort of awkward sex scene where the witch ties him up to the bed then places leeches on his naked body. When Stannis and Davos arrive for the festivities the witch removes the leeches and Stannis burns them in the names of his enemies. Um, not sure what this is accomplishing.
Back at the wedding of horrors, Tyrion is getting wasted as Sansa is embarrassed and runs off. When Tywin confronts Tyrion about his drinking and demands he impregnate Sansa, Tyrion counters by telling him he is the God of Tits and Wine – he should have no problem performing. Joffrey goes after her against his mother’s advice and threatens to rape Sansa on her wedding night. Joffrey then tries to humiliate both bride and groom by forcing a bedding ceremony until Tyrion gets pissed and threatens to cut off the King’s cock. Tyrion then laughs off the whole thing by making fun of himself by speaking of his tiny manhood then tells Sansa he once vomited on a girl. I won’t tell you everything he says (you should really watch it) but the scene is hilarious! The pair go back to their wedding chamber and Sansa voluntarily begins to disrobe for consummation but Tyrion refuses to allow it unless she wants it. Did I mention that Sansa is 14 years old? Gross. When Shae comes round in the morning she finds Tyrion passed out on a chair and Sansa in the bed. As she collects the sheets she sees no stains and realizes they did not have sex.
While Khaleesi is being bathed by her helper girl (can’t say slave) the young flirty lieutenant of the Second Sons shows up and presents the heads of his comrades. He pledges his allegiance and heart to Khaleesi along with his troops to assist her in capturing King’s Landing. I see a romance!
Samuel and the girl with her baby are still trying to escape the north when they come across an abandoned cabin where they stop for the night, while they are making a fire they decide its time to name the baby. Out of nowhere, a mass of crows descends upon the cabin and Samuel goes out to investigate against the girl’s advice. Suddenly the crows cease their cawing as an undead person comes from out of the woods for the baby. Samuel manages to destroy it by stabbing it in the back with a knife, the thing turns into ice and shatters into dust. Samuel, the girl, and the baby take off into the woods as the mass of crows follow them [insert ominous music here].