Hey you guys!!! Guess what? Richard Donner has been making noise that a sequel to the ‘80s cult classic The Goonies is happening nearly 30 years after its release. He let it slip while signing autographs earlier this month that indeed the sequel is happening. However, this isn’t the first time the movie director has fanned the flames of such rumors to no avail. He went on to say he was aspiring to gather the entire original cast for the long awaited and often defunct follow-up. As an honorary member of the Goonies (any child born in the Pacific Northwest before the movie released in 1985 can claim this status), I must argue against the possibility of a Goonies sequel for three big reasons:
Everyone is too old.
Let’s face facts, Sean Astin is not cute anymore, he’s old and rusty with nearly grown kids of his own. Josh Brolin most likely wouldn’t sign on for this anyway but even so he’s a brooding old man with talent for playing the bad guy. We all know that Mama Fratelli (Anne Ramsey) and Sloth (John Daniel “Tooz” Matuszak) are no longer with us and let’s not talk about the train wreck that is Cory Feldman. The reason The Goonies worked and defined a generation was due to the innocence and fresh faces of those kids that are all now middle aged. If you brought in new kids it would be classified as a remake and wouldn’t be nearly as fun for the now-adult fans of the original.
You can’t recapture the past.
Let me give you some examples of remakes/sequels of much loved ‘80s films that turned out to be utter disasters: Dirty Dancing (vomit), Footloose (stupid), Karate Kid (nice try), Indiana Jones: the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (stop ruining it), and now this. I absolutely love every one of these ‘80s classics but their remakes were sad, pathetic, unappealing shells of the original movies in which they sought to pay tribute. I know that it’s Hollywood’s job to recycle old ideas and make them new again but the viability of success for this sequel has gone far past its expiration date.
Who would want to watch The Goonies sequel without Sloth?
Nearly every die-hard Goonies fan loves Sloth and the thought of making a sequel without the original actor seems like a sham. Politically, I’m not sure movie makers today would be able to have a character like him on screen without igniting an uproar among people with disabilities advocates. No Sloth = no sequel worth seeing.
Don’t get me wrong, I love The Goonies,but a sequel after all this time would ruin the franchise. It could have been extremely successful if it had been done in the late ‘80s or early ‘90s but now it’s been way too long. A remake is more likely to be worth the effort but even that is a bad idea in my opinion. Just allow this film to remain in its ‘80s glory so people of my generation can wax poetic about our time as Goonie kids. If you need a fix, just visit the Walsh’s house that still stands in Astoria, Oregon and allows pedestrian visitors or somebody get working on a Goonies theme park – I would definitely support that effort.