Love, Anonymously: The 3 Types of Guys I’ve Learned Not to Date

Types of Men

Dear Readers,

I started dating when I was in seventh grade, but I use the term “dating” lightly. According to my parents, I didn’t start officially dating until I was 16 years old because dating was defined as “an outing that was unsupervised by parents.” By the time I had arrived at the “unsupervised outing” stage of relationships, I had dated a couple interesting characters.

And throughout the years, I learned that each guy, and relationship, came with its own perks and struggles. Even though my relationships aren’t the only types out there, I’ve done my best to simplify mine to three main categories that I feel everyone can relate to. For the sake of anonymity, I have changed all names in the article.

Too Young, Too Naïve.

Basic Characteristics: Hand holding and kissing is considered scandalous. You probably aren’t old enough to really know what love is, but you are completely convinced that this is it. You assume every romantic gesture in movies has to be in your relationship, no matter how outrageous. They are typically your first real relationship.

The Relationship Anthem: One Thing by One Direction

Why this is a problem: Who am I to say that every first relationship won’t be a good one? I don’t have any way of knowing that, but if we’re being completely honest, chances are your first relationship was full of kinks. When I dated Stan, my first boyfriend ever, I thought it was love. Honest to goodness, as a joke one time, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him (IN EIGHTH GRADE). I almost said yes before he was like, “You thought I was serious?! Oh my god!”

I’m not proud of that, but we all have to start somewhere. You see the movies about love at first sight, and you just assume that when you get your first boyfriend it’ll be like a movie. If you’ve gotten older and haven’t had a boyfriend, my advice is to just take the first relationship slowly and with a grain of salt. You need to make sure you’re ready for anything that happens, and don’t jump the gun on a joke proposal. It’s pretty embarrassing.

Better Off As Friends.

Basic Characteristics: He’s super flirty when you’re friends, but not so much after you’ve become an item. He bails out on events that are important to you for a “family outing,” which is actually a party. Your first date overlapped with his current girlfriend’s date, and you didn’t know it. He wants to take a break over winter break, and then hooks up with your best friend.

The Relationship Anthem: Talk Dirty To Me by Jason Derulo

Why this is a problem: Look, sometimes it’s just best to know when a guy should stay in the friend zone. With Bill, the biggest red flag that this relationship wasn’t going to go anywhere was when he was much more in to me when we were friends than when we were dating. The best part was, as soon as I broke up with him, he thought the best way to help me get over it was by putting his arm around me and trying to hold my hand. Just ten minutes earlier, though, he wouldn’t even come near me. Any guy or girl that’s more devoted to you romantically as a friend than as a significant other should probably stay in the friend zone permanently, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for making that explicitly clear.

And one last thing: I’m not going to say that this person is a womanizer… but either they are extremely unaware of what they’re doing, or they’re a womanizer. Regardless, this guy likes attention from the ladies, and would rather get it without the label.

The Siamese Twin.

Basic Characteristics: He wants to be around you every waking moment and will occasionally take drastic measures to make it happen. When you’re out, you get phone calls and texts almost every 15 minutes. He constantly assumes every guy you talk to (that he hasn’t met) is trying to steal you from him. Occasionally, but not all the time, the guys are overly sensitive and take offense to things that normal people would not.

The Relationship Anthem: Every Breath You Take by The Police

Why this is a problem: Okay, I’m not even exaggerating about the anthem. Those lyrics pretty much explain to you what a Siamese Twin relationship is like. You feel like this guy is literally watching every step you take, every breath you take, and every move you make. What’s worse about these kinds of relationships is typically the person is a total sweetheart. They are virtually perfect in every other department, it’s just they are far too clingy and dependent.

My relationship with Ben was pretty great. He was a total sweetheart, but I had one too many outings with friends and family ruined because he couldn’t stand the thought of being apart. The most devastating part of a Siamese Twin relationship is that most of the time these guys think their constant phone calls and texts are comforting and bring you closer. Typically, the opposite happens and they push you away, creating the scenarios they were trying to avoid from the start. With Ben and I, it resulted in me getting close with a pretty cute (and independent) guy, and ultimately I broke up with Ben for the more independent man.

So there you have it friends. Beware these three types of men when choosing a potential partner and maybe, just maybe you’ll find yourself the one for you.




Love, Anonymously
Bringing you love and relationship advice that’s brutally honest, mortifyingly funny and devastatingly heartbreaking from our own real life experiences. We make the mistakes so you don’t have to. Check out more from Love, Anonymously on TDQ…

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