5 Things Dogs Do Every Day That I Could Never Get Away With as a Human

Dog (Image Credit: Dasu_)
Dog (Image Credit: Dasu_)

It’s funny how strictly bound we humans are by social norms, while our pets are free to be as wild as they please. Just think about all the inappropriate-verging-on-disturbing things dogs get away with doing that we humans never could.

Taking Care of Business Anywhere

The other day, I crossed a busy intersection with my dog, and she stopped suddenly halfway across the street as traffic started moving toward us, and there she was, popping a squat right in the middle of the crosswalk, taking care of business. Not a care in the world.

Not that I’d want to pop a squat in public, but it’s the principle of it. I don’t have that kind of freedom. If I dropped my bottoms and relieved my bladder on my walk to work, I’d be arrested for indecent exposure. That piss would be on my permanent record. My dog, on the other hand, has taken more public dumps than I would care to count, and she’s never been arrested, judged or gawked at. Not at all. On the contrary, she’s been adored and praised, mid-dump.

Eating Food Right Off the Floor

We humans are only legally entitled to five seconds’ worth of fallen food. However, despite the world-renowned five second rule, there is an undeniable stigma associated with people eating fallen food, and quite frankly, sometimes five seconds just isn’t enough. What if there’s more than five seconds’ worth of damage?

Say you drop a cheesecake in the hallway, and it’s seriously splattered. There’s no saving that cake—it’s there to stay. Can’t pick it up and bring it home, but it would be a shame to waste it. All there is left to do is eat it as it is. Well, let’s face it, it takes longer than five seconds for the average person to locate an eating utensil, and well over five seconds to make a decent dent in that delectable debris. And the longer you spend picking at it, the less acceptable it is.

Dogs, on the other hand, are praised for and encouraged to eat their owners’ fallen food, which they lap up in record time, thus rendering the canine five second rule unnecessary. It’s unfair. Dogs can eat fallen food, but humans can’t? Why must we discriminate? I personally sneak a lot of fallen snacks, but it’s a shame that I should need to be so sneaky. Can’t a clumsy girl enjoy a dusty, dirty snack without receiving looks of judgment and disgust? I mean, I use sensible discretion. It depends on what I drop, where I drop it, and how salvageable, or delicious, it is. If I drop something solid on a (relatively) clean and stainless surface, of course I’m going to eat it. But if it’s a risk or hazard to my health, I leave it to the dogs.

Sniffing Each Other’s Rears

Generally, people, and particularly men, are liable to be slapped for so much as ogling too long at someone’s rear, while dogs are free to plant their snouts in any bum they please. Standard procedure—Nice to meet you, now don’t mind me while I examine your behind.

Again, it’s not that I enjoy sniffing a whiff of someone’s butt; it’s just the freedom that I envy. Not only are humans taught to keep our distance, but on top of that, we barricade our asses underneath layers upon layers of clothes, so even if we manage to sneak a glance (or god forbid, a handful) of a fine ass passing by, we’d have to do considerable digging before we reach the real thing, and by then, we would have several legal offenses on our hands. Dogs, however, flaunt their backsides openly, invitingly and proud—totally commando, tails up, which leads me to my next point.

Simultaneously Sustaining Multiple Romantic Relationships

Humans do this too, to some extent, but it inevitably tends to get messy. Somehow, dogs get around without the drama. How they do it is a mystery to me. Trust me, I’m trying, but it’s difficult to juggle several gentlemen at once. We humans get so hung up on our emotions—jealousy, possessiveness, entitlement. In the mean time, dogs are free to jump the bones of anything that moves. Ironically, dogs are famous for their loyalty and faithfulness, while humans who engage in multiple relationships at once are labeled untrustworthy, faithless cheaters. Very strange.

Licking Their Privates

Dogs groom themselves in public, and I mean thoroughly. Anywhere their tongue can reach is liable to get a meticulous licking, and that includes their privates. Not only could I never get away with this, but it’s physically impossible for me, a human, to get my head or tongue anywhere near my nether-regions. It would be quite a shock, to say the least, if not a heinous crime for me to perform such an act in public, that’s for sure. However, dogs are spared the shame, humiliation and disgust I would undoubtedly receive for such behavior.

Why?

Why do dogs receive such preferential treatment in our homo sapien society? We do their bidding—feed them, bag their waste, adore them, walk them, praise them for something as simple as sitting, and let them get away with what would otherwise be classified as unacceptable behavior—but because they’re four-legged and furry, they’re allowed? I think we humans could do with becoming more forgiving and accepting of each other. Humans should be entitled to the same wild, shameless tendencies as any other animal. It’s only fair.


Image courtesy of Flickr User Dasu_
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With any luck, I will rewrite this crazy world into the kind that you and I would like to live in.

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