It wasn’t until the news broke that you and Taylor *might* be dating that I completely comprehended the meaning of Beyonce’s Lemonade. This feeling of betrayal can only be fully expressed through a variety of song genres and subliminal messages. It’s not that I don’t love Taylor – because I do. I mean, who wouldn’t want to date her? She is talented, generous, beautiful, smart, adorably awkward at times. She’s literally the whole package. But is she the girl for you? Let’s think about it for a minute. You’re so generous, funny, talented, handsome, adorably awkward. Ok. Yes. You two might be perfect for each other, but there’s still one major problem. Taylor is most certainly and definitely not me.
Here’s the thing, we’re kind of supposed to get married. Sorry to drop that bomb on you only now. I figured I would get a few years into my career, rent a nice place in the downtown area, publish my first kid’s book, and then our time could start. You know, give you a chance to get a few more blockbuster hits under your belt, and then straight up marital bliss. I’m talking a quaint cottage in the English countryside in order to ensure our three beautiful kids have your accent, trips to the farmers market every Sunday afternoon, and spontaneous dancing in our kitchen on week nights. It was going to be so lovely. Sigh.
I know what you’re thinking: “Sarah, you’re crazy, I don’t even know you!” No, you don’t, but how big of a deal is that really in today’s day and age? People do much wackier stuff all the time. If people are allowed to marry inanimate objects in some states, I see no harm in planning my wedding to a dreamy human being such as yourself. And sure, the chances of us actually meeting are about one in a gazillion, but that’s still one gazillionth of a chance I’m willing to cling to. Actually, knowing you’d be willing to date someone my age brings that chance up from one in a gazillion to like, 10 in a gazillion. I can settle for that!
But how does one move past this type of betrayal? With grace, that’s how. If I know anything about Taylor’s track record, it’s that long term is not a word in her vocabulary. I’m sorry, that hurt me far more to say than it hurt you to hear. So when we eventually hear Taylor’s Hiddleston inspired hit, Low Key*, you can guarantee I will be ready and waiting with open arms. For now, my heart is broken, but I know someday you will put the pieces back together. Preferably wearing your Crimson Peak costume.
*My apologies for all the bad Loki puns to come out of the Hiddleswift photo scandal, but they don’t get old.